i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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