All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
