Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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