mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
