he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
