Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize