He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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