im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
