I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize