The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
