Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize