He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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