i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
