She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You've changed since you got that strap on
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
