i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
