the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
