So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
