listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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