genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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