apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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