I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
