I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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