I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
