i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
