This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just google imaged poop.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Randomize
