who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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