I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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