haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
