I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
