Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
