I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Semen is not good for contacts.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
