I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
