god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
