the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
