Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
