dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize