I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
