Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
