I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
