I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
