when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
