I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
