if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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