I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
false alarm, still single
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
