Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
worst night to have a conscience
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
