all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
