I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
