my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
