i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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