i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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