During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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