Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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