gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
