Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
