I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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