He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
