What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize