Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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