Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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