Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
