i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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