mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
