i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
