cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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