so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
