So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
